Amazing song, like really.

new favorite jawn

Amazing

Incubus and Brandon Boyd has to be one of my main motivations to see things through and keep going. But thats not even one of the reasons why I can't/have a hard time taking you seriously, Ha.

Me, again. x3

“It’s like fate is my obsession, living in a life with nobody here to question. Niggas second guess him, ever since my birth. Up through the night and waking up is my curse”

Ah, I could quote that whole song. Meanwhile, I gotta tequila blunt waiting for me and whos name wont be spoken, ha. I'm buried, deep in treasury. And thats not treachery anymore. Straight forward is the way to go yo. As more and more things in my life keep changing, I guess I just gotta go with the changes. Take the punches, and move.. on.. mayne.. la

ahhh, my life

I'm on a plain

IWTD.

I want to die. I want to die. I hate myself and I want to die. Give me death. There's no freedom so give me death. Give me death. Kill me, and stop raping me. Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Kill me. I'm tired of rape. Death by dishonor, death by drama, death by (un)wealth, and death with good health. Back against the turntable, but everythings the same...NOT...... I feel like i'm just wasting my own time, I don't want myself, I don't want my life or your life or their life and so on n so on. I don't want to see the earth. I don't want to cut my wrist. I want to shoot myself in the head. It's made its bad decsions anyway and the yelling words I can't seem to control. Stressontopofstressontopofstressontopofstressontopofstress. In thought, I want to kill some people. But, in reality... I want to kill myself. I'm too nice to harm someone else, but myself there's no boundaries. The limit is death and that's not the most excessive one. You see, I wanted to slit my throat... but that would only be a more pain, suffering death. I made the decision to die by gunshot. It's beautiful, death is beautiful, it's life that's ugly. If "God" is so understanding and forgiving then he'll respect my decision and forgive me once or ever so often if i'm there. Wasted energy is playedddddddddddd, wasted conversations is playeddddddddddd (i'm tired of people talking to about useless shit), money is playedddddddd (so what i don't have your money, you will die a horrible life because you ruined mine), Life is just.. boring. I want to die. I want to die today, but apparently since I have no money and I'm steadily searching for a shady dude off the street to buy a gun from becaue I don't want a gun license. Maybe I should just get one, i'm 21.. but the fact that i'm labeled "Suicide" they may not sell me one, ahhh! that fucking sucks. hahha everything fucking sucks, i'm gonna die this year. this month, next month, sometime soon, so what should i worry for. Calm austen, peaceful inertia is coming, soon. Ha

And we all do, but who really wants to grab it

Mouth open full of snakes and spiders.

I want an angel! A Reason why I aint got shit. hahaha like Pac say, is what my dad would've said. Too many dead memories in my much alive head. When I see bulllshit, it does affect your ability to try hard. But I guess slacking only hurts us both, more me. Fuck the web, no really.. fuck the web. This shit traps you, captures thoughts and visions you don't wanna see nor think. The huge disconnection from people, and the disgust at many times. I am my own problem and dealing with me gets annoying enough. Other people just top it off, generally I stop and be quiet, b ut how can I silence all the screams inside? Insanity, you don't know what it feels like to try and control it. I'm tired b. And sleepy, ah. No hugs from my mother and my pent up aggression got my eyes bulging like foreplay. Ha, i'm on-lineeeeeee! for minddddddd! no mind!!! Cause apparently no one thinks at all. Umm I should shutup and go do music now in this big little corner of mine. peace

Oh, Me

And my subtle head hurts with infatuation of being on earth unlike me. Only paying attention to those who deny my craft and spring just to hurt me in any way possible. Why is it that my face is anchored down when I speak to you about my.. work. Why is it you try to slow me down and get me to believe that your not and the best for me. Why have you made me uncomfortable in my own home, and skin. It's amazing. amazing, amazing. Although, my mind doesn't let me play the victim anymore and my estranged heart doesn't sparkle at your words interest, of the moment. I don't believe what you say to me. I'm this, i'm that. Your gonna RUIN my life, so whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat. Your miserable, your miserable being yourself. You fucked up my life and expect me to be your puppet slave. For what reason, because you like me? Let alone, love me? I don't think so. If this is love, then this is what the world feels like on the inside. Maze's, the big maze i'm currently trying to find my way out of daily.
rape me, rape me more why dontcha. Get a good fuck. It's only my want if I continue to accept the demonic torture you call your life, forced to mine. Our paths may have meant to have crossed and God may have wrote this book already, but if not. If i'm out, I disrupt the story, no follow up, no lead, no me, no pain, no struggle, no heartbreak, no games, just.... Life

In the someday, whats that sound?

Pow! (Bum, Bang.. It's all the same. So would it really matter if I blew my brain?)

I'll be happy when my head is blown. Really blown, I think of suicide as a sacrifice against wrongs of this earths sick, hate infested, materialistic pompous leech of people we have to be alive with. This year is most likely my last. I refuse to deal with anything. I got a letter a couple days ago from the good ol child support people. Telling me, pay this or blah blah blah. I'll rot in jail? No! I'll rot in hell, it's a hell of life anyway right. Ha, stupid people. Ya'know, for 3 years I was just fucked up that my life was fucked up and nearly over. Child Support and some sluts devilish ways have took away my rights to freedom. To have someone you never wronged nor had any type of relationship with try to victimize and control your life is a bitch son. Hella wack yo, no college for me.. Well.. No financial aid at least, apparently I was a grown man when I was poor at 18 getting tooken advantage of... hahahahahhahahah i'm so stupid man! or life is stupid at least. I lost my life at 18 and haven't been the same since. I done felt so many feelings and played out so many scenarios in my head that i'm dead already. (And alternatively, numb.) I don't give up, this shits just not worth it. People are crazy man, don't get locked up by somebody else's wants. I tell my niggas all the time be careful. If they listen or not is totally up to them. Take my death as a stand. A stand too this shit in texas is not right. A stand too a life of misery is not meant to be lived by me. It wasn't my choice to come in this world, but it's mine whether or not I live or not. I'm not having fun anymore. I'm not young anymore, but sadly and gladly I haven't lost the boy in me.

Life as a sour puss.

Spoken

I bathe in mud,
Rub my face in bleach
Keep myself on a leash
And try to mold my speech..
If my words are old, then what are you told? When you have to go..away from me
I don't need the beef, the wasted energy
I don't need the worry, the fake peak for creeps
See myself and weep, but I am happily. Me. SEE
NO! You don't and won't. Because, you don't see anything. Even yourself.
You don't think at all, you use thoughts for
Have you misplaced your kindness? Have you lost your mind?
Are you blind? Is your hearing fine?
I dunno... I mean, eh.. I Dunno. Haven't been this afraid since that trip up in the air on that six flags rollercoaster. Ah, still gives me the creeps. Ha
But i'm high now, well.. spiritually high. Anddddddd, NOTHING
Can bring me down. And you want to know why?
Because i'm, Yes i'm... steady with climb.

Word.

"Life and death, energy and peace. If I stop today it was still worth it. Even the terrible mistakes that I made and would have unmade if I could. The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul, it was worth it, for having been allowed to walk where I've walked, which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far, in between, through it, and above."

Give yourself a chance.

Honestly pertains alot to music and success.

‘You never felt jealousy, did you, Miss Eyre? Of course not: I need not ask you; because you never felt love. You have both sentiments yet to experience: your soul sleeps: the shock is yet to be given which shall waken it.

- Charlotte Brontë

thinking of youuuuuuu

And up, out, is where I stay.

If I ever need to be spaced out without worries of the world, myself.. is where i'll go.

Up, Is the only love I know.

Today.

I feel different. Today, I feel like just being chilled out, maybe, no, pretty sure i'ma do some music... I don't feel like being friends with anybody today. L'eaus here knocked the fucked out and I just look at her sleep quietly cause i'ma creep and love makes me stare, sometimes. Plenty thoughts about life and having this huge disconnection from people, again. Ah, shit sucks. I send my friends music and they act like they don't even care about the shit whilst other people dieng for me to drop something new. I just can't fuck with it. I don't know if its all the work i'm really putting in and not getting paid for it thats making me crazy, but i'm just tired of the treatment. My mom never wants me to leave the house, and other things i'm just not gonna comment on. I just really love music, it's honestly the only thing keeping me alive. But it doesn't matter cause once i'm on you'll prolly just think i'm some asshole because I won't care if you like my shit or not. I'm already starting not too because with the shit thats popular and what everybody seems to like is just ridiculed talent of mediocrity, but hey... It's what you guys are made to like, wack shit just gets constantly thrown in your face and nobody seems to want to search for things. Guess thats why I be so pissed off because nobody cares, Lupe was right. I'm listening to a bunch of Toro y Moi as of now, his shits calming. Thinking about seriously just leaving rap alone. I mean, the shits just shameful. I just want a yamaha keyboard and a pound of weed to left alone with. Just be a one man band, my singings legit enough for it anyway. It's prolly what i'm gonna end up doing because everyday i'm just getting pushed further and further... and further. Well, L'eau just woke up. So, peace

Life

I feel

My baba lol

My babyyyyy from Van Solo on Vimeo.

Jawn of the day.

Been banging this for about over a week now, gotta give its recognition. Ha

Justa Thought

If your ever happy, don't ignore unhappy emotions.. Always pay attention to both sides of the game. I remember when I was growing up, I tried to dodge depression and everything sad as often as I could... But when I start having problems and I just didn't like the happy things no more I felt lost.. Due too, everything Happy is bullshit. Everything has darkness in real life. On tv, they try to make everything seem like it's just nothing, but we're all human and everybodies not in the same situations nor locations. But with "Sad, depressive" things with what most people would call it have ALOTTA truth inside them becuase it's real. When your in the darkness, you find yourself. That's how I found me, being in the dark. I never felt the need to put up fronts anymore so with that I had no choice, but to be me.. And with that came my music career and many other things i'm getting into. Not to say, that i'm thankful for everything thats happened, but at least I know myself. Point is.. Always pay attention to both sides of the game, peace mayne.

Desperation

Fly everywhere

Hey, bully

Your not so tough when i'm in love.

Conversations.

Honestly, I haven't listened to Conversations since thus the recording of it. It's too hard for me to hear becuase of the raw truth I put into it. It's just like those scabs that aren't fully closed yet so they still hurt when you touch em. But, I know i'ma have to perform it more n more due to it being on itunes soon. So, yeah.

New music and forced creativity

It's sickening, but I have done ALOT of new music. Still doing more, for the love it, and helpless thought of it. I was told to change up my style to be more perceptive of the "public eye". Knowing, they don't give a fuck about the words... Just throw some catchy hook on there and watch em sing, they say. Eh. Anyway, "Vanny Zone 2" is most likely what my next tapes gonna be called. Just felt like it was bout that time yesterday in the car repeating Cudi Zone everytime after the first verse ended. I'm actually recording right now. Just writing this in between break times. Ahh, I just needa suck it up. I'ma man. I shave and have problems lol. Lemme shutup because all this type of stuff is supposed to be kept quiet, but for some reason.. I don't care and i wanna be poor. Just wanna be heard, which would eventually conflict the poverty. Iono whats wrong with me, but peace.

Put in the box, put it in the box.

I'm out

The more

The more I feel myself changing. It’s all for the better, i’m finally making amends with myself. All them incubus flows and flows i’ve pleaded myself are finally taking its course on my soul. Thank you God and mom for sticking this long 3 year of a phase out with me. Things coulda went a lot worse than what they are.. And so what I got some hurdles other people don’t, i’ma fucking G. And i’m stronger than these fake following cowards. Vanny's okay baby, tired of people seeing me all drugged out and low. My daughter def won't catch those stress faces on me. Fuck that, she gone be good before she realize anything. Keep her in bliss, I'll let her know what I know without the fucking hard way. ah

Gulp

Power.

Yesterday was awesome.

Talamak

Leech

"When you were down I always picked you up!
Why didn't I recognize that everything was never fine?
I'm kicking myself that I shared spit with you.
So fuck yourself, and fuck this bleeding heart of mine.

The ride's over! Did you enjoy yourself?
The ride's over! Fare thee well!
The ride's over! Did you enjoy yourself?
The ride's over! Fare thee well! Not on my time."

- Incubus

Spazz. This was my shit back in the gap

This prolly has alot to do with the way I am now ha ha ha. I had my fucking mind right before I fell in love and got all emotional and made countless simpleton mistakes, but fuck that shit. I'm me again. Bitch

What's going down?

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Cut Throat Studio Sesh

I betcha love can make ya better.

Lately

Cutty, Trip 2

Kurt Cobain

"America" By Audio Pictures.

America. from Audio Pictures on Vimeo.

Needless to say this my homies work and I will be working with them soon. Kablaow

Spin around

I think i'm gonna stay away from my blog for awhile (personal writings). As well as twitter, shits just creepy and a show son. Fuck it. I'll just post updates on when somethings out or up, but that'll be it.. I miss life and I miss the old me. when I use to have fun and hate the internet. That side has been away from me for far too long, I knew the truth when I wasn't into this shit in the first place.. People kinda just kept pushing me on it, but none of this shit is useful or productive. Twitter seems like a dating/imdoinggood/comefuckme/hollaatme pornographic site. People tryna get chose, dudes and girls. It's not even about networking like I thought it would be, way too much fronting lol. I never really understood what facebook was for anyway. So, if you need to reach me, go via email.

ah

I guess i'm cool. Taking everything. Things change, i'm changing. I feel myself feeling dull alot lately. I feel alotta routines are just really old, stale, and boring. I feel like facing my fears of being alone. It's been like 3 years and i'm still in the same spot. Things gotta change, shits just unacceptable to me. I started planning out my current future about a year ago.. So now that some of the things I foresaw have happened, I'm moving on to my next set.. Which i'm pretty sure will get more intense with more bullshit and pain, but hey... They been shooting me for awhile and my scars are just scabs now. Fuck it

and life just goes faster

ah

Old friend

WOW