Today. Well in 3 hours I'm 22. And I've never felt more suicidal in my life. I turned my life into a trap and the music is actually good. Pun intended. Good thing I still have a sense of humor. Cause this ho shit going on is in a binge state. Maybe I'm a crybaby or maybe just a man. I planned or more so thought to delete all my music off the web. Whoever has it has it. Now my career is a career and the songs I gotta do are for exposure only. I feel that tho. Ill just keep the crying work to myself which is my best work to me... but that's my opinion though. Its cool I can have one. I want to draw a lot now. I can't draw but I want too and paint. I figure my bad drawings will be more beautiful than somebodies perfect ones... I always like the ugly though. Wonder if that's the reason my life is the way it is now then. "Only God Can Judge Me" by Tupac screwed and chopped just came on and it makes me think about how I get it tatted when I was 15 unconciously and wondering the reason why I wanted to get it so bad. Guess I know now. Demons in my life, not just my head. Not just my head. Everybody in this moshpit is content with adolescent parents but this mistake that became a forced regret of mine is unacceptable to me. Maybe I'm constantly punishing myself because I can't forgive myself. At all. I disgraced my bad parents. Even tho they didn't raise me and hate me now I will forever love them for everything they did and didn't do. I forgive my father for telling me I'm not his son. And neglecting me. And teasing me about mistakes I make. And how he's never taught me anything. I forgive you pop, I'm sorry I didn't just know how life was. I been in a bubble of my own world my whole life. I never paid attention to my sorroundings and that's my fault. Its prolly the only reason I've been able to make it through, by distracting myself from it using imagination. Watching people fall from grace and give up on life daily. That's my life. My life is being in a suicidal demon house and hating myself for it. I gave up selling drugs a long time ago. Its been so buried I don't even put it in my music. I'm not proud of it. But I do understand my homies. Its just not my lifestyle. I hate what the media has done to the black minds. Black people use to be strong and about shit. Now everybodies beaten and distracted. I lost friends because I don't make enough money and have downfalls. But why can't y'all accept me for me, ima get money sooner or later but if I'm not getting it now I'm not suppose to have it. Simple. I'm not ashamed but I really am at the same time. I don't ask anybody for anything and I don't feel owed. I just feel took. Taken. Abandoned. Fierce. And hurt.
First off, happy 22 man. But this time in your life is very common. My 22 is almost forgotten in a mush of late nights, studio sessions, every kind of bottle that EG Liquor had for under $5, weed, x, breakups, makeups and death.
ReplyDeleteIts your life though so you will find you have many options all depending on the direction you wanna take it. You want joy, cut whatever don't doesn't get you there. Want success, get great at something and make that your focus. Want to just get shit off your mind, keep recording.
I've got notebooks stacked on notebooks and spindles of 100s filled with songs people will never here unless shirts pan out well and give me the freetime to revisit my second favorite creative passion next to drsign, music.
If I was 22 year old me now with all the social media and tech resources we would probably be collaborating on tracks cause that is what I ate slept and shit for 7 years nonstop like it was a job. I also had a pac line "moms tell me to get a real job, rappin doesn't pay the rent. I hit the studio, cause that's where all my money went."
It was therapeutic and now I'm in a new place. Creativity just moves in another form. At least your catalog is published in a format it can be heard by anybody with the means to get it.
Try to listen to yourself and trust that you can trust your own reasoning. Be realistic and stay ambitious. Life is "life" so take it as it comes. Ill share tracks with you someday maybe. Maybe I'm you 10 years from now. I have supprised my self a bit and still grindin. A$AP Rocky is who I didn't become but see him as my past. I don't know, life is life. Enjoy it, happy birthday.
CM&G